Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Channeling Madonna

I wish they looked this good.
I am a Fem-Bot. Not really this bad, but close.
Well, this definitely was not in the brochure.  As I sit in front of my computer, I am completely distracted by the extremely pointy plastic covers over my breasts, or shall I say new nipples.  It’s a complete joke and somewhat horrifying.  
Here’s what went down.  Just hours before my nipple reconstruction surgery on Monday, I called my nurse at the plastic surgeon’s office to ask her if I can expect any serious discomfort after the operation.  She said no, it’s fairly painless, but the nipple covers were kind of obnoxious.   Um... nipple what?  Seems my skilled yet detail sparing plastic surgeon neglected to tell me that after this reconstruction surgery, I’d be donning crazing protruding nipple protectors for a WEEK!  Holy shit.  
There is no clothing that hides them, except my puffy winter vest and/or a well placed scarf with double-sided tape to hold it in place.  If you think I’m overreacting, I’m not.  They are beyond ridiculous.  Have you see the Austen Powers movie where the Fem-Bots have guns pointing out of their bras?  That’s EXACTLY what I look like.

So how did the doc do it?  He actually used my own skin, cut a small round circle where a nipple should be and folded the skin into some kind of mound. I now have to protect these mounds with the aforementioned plastic guards until they can heal into what will look like new nipples.  Too much info?  Sorry.  At least I didn't mention that they are really scabby and gross looking now.  Oh, sorry again.
The good news is that the surgery was easy peasy and I have almost no pain from recovery.  Monday was foggy because of the anesthesia, but yesterday I felt perfectly normal, except for you know what.  I look like a freak!!  Plus I get to travel to Wisconsin on Thursday for the weekend with these pointy beauties.  At least my sisters and Mom will get a good laugh on my account.
So of course on my surgery day, Fisher once again tries to show me up.  In school Monday, he not only let the adorable teacher’s assistant pull out his loose tooth, he then had a collision in PE that resulted in a serious fat lip. Poor kid had to spend a couple hours in the school nurse's office because she could not get ahold of Nick nor me because we were in the surgery center.  He’s fine now and a dollar richer from the tooth fairy.
And a quick update on my latest speech I gave to the Midwestern University Alumni Leadership dinner.  It went great!  I felt very comfortable speaking and the audience was warm and receptive, at least no one left while I was talking, and that’s about all I can really hope for.  Do I want to do more of these?  I think so, but maybe it’s time to start making some money.  We’ll see.  
I probably won’t write again until I get back from Wisconsin on Sunday.  I see the doc on Tuesday to have my pointy things removed, and then Nick’s Mom Virginia and Stepdad Rusty arrive late Tuesday night for the holiday.  Yippee!!!  What fun to be able to see my family and Nick’s family in one week.  Our list of things to be thankful for is very, very long.
with love

No comments:

Post a Comment