Saturday, May 21, 2011

Tipping the Scales

I was talking with my Mom the other day about how amazing everything is in my life right now, and how terrified I am that it all could come crashing down like a house of cards with one little ache here or bad test result there.  And yes, I do know that this could be true for anyone.  No one is immune to an unexpected illness or accident (sorry to point that out). The key here is unexpected.  When you've had advanced cancer, you kind of expect it to rear it's ugly head again.  I can hear Nick's voice in my head asking "why do you expect it to come back?  Even your doctor doesn't expect it to come back."  I KNOW it's unhealthy thinking, but I can't shake it.  My life is so wonderful, so happy, so fun right now, and I don't want to miss any of by having to endure those grueling, sickening treatments.  I've seen how it takes me out of life, puts me on the sidelines and I don't want to go there again!


It's possible that I'm freaked out more than normal because things are so wonderful, or maybe things have always been wonderful and I'm just realizing it now.  Either way, I'm definitely a freak, and things are good so I'll try to focus on that.  We had a very positive meeting with my radiologist, Dr. Brachman, this week.  He is thoroughly pleased with my progress and doesn't want to see me for another six months, very encouraging.  I did hit him with my favorite question, "You know, I felt perfectly normal when I was diagnosed last year. How do I know that my cancer hasn't taken over another organ and I just can't feel it?"  Unfortunately, his answer did not provide me with much relief.  We were told that the best we can do is  blood tests, physicals and asking how I feel.  Not much.  He also said this during my exam which made Nick and me giggle "tumors come back where they started or somewhere different."  Insightful.  


So let me tell you of the fun we've been having around here.  Tonight Nick and Fisher are at the club for a little golf course camping party. He just texted me about 10pm that they just finished an outdoor movie and are eating a second dessert.  An accompanying photo showed Fisher chillaxing with his crush from preschool, Reagan.  So Jenny-Jane and I had the night to sit on the couch in jammies to watch "Punzel" (that's Twisted, the new Disney Rapunzel movie) and eat frosted circus cookies.  She snuggled and even sang in her sweet voice "I have a dream" with the main character.  My heart melted.  


Today we took the kids to the Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art and out to lunch. Last night Nick and I had a wild date night that included sushi, Vietnamese coffee, an art-house movie at a super groovy downtown speakeasy and a last stop at a very gay outdoor bar.  We talked about all our summer plans which include a quick weekend in Manhattan Beach with our hilarious friends the Bergens, a week home to Milwaukee where the kids will attend Nature Camp at the Audubon Society, and a week back East to visit Nick's Mom, Dad and our dear friends the Mosers.  


This Thursday Fisher "graduates" from the fab preschool he's attended for three years. Next weekend we are celebrating Nick's 41st birthday with a wild day/night at a local new Indian casino. Seriously, I could go on and on.  I often wonder if I would still feel this energized about my life now if I hadn't lived through last year's trial. I'm guessing probably not.  I've been given this chance to really embrace and truly appreciate all the treasures in our lives, but as I've mentioned, it comes at a cost.  With the jubilation and joy, there is the ever present fear and dread.  My job is to keep the scales tipped in my mind so that the beast doesn't overpower the beauty.  I'm trying, really trying.


with love on a Saturday night,
k



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